How To Help Someone Cope With The Loss Of A Loved One

The passing away of a loved one can bring out a lot of different types of emotions in people, some of which can be difficult to cope with. The aim of todays article is to provide you with some coping mechanisms that may help you or someone you know go through this unchartered territory.

To begin, I would like to share the story of Fred’s experience of losing a loved one. Fred and Lilian had been married for 45 years, which is true testament of their marriage. During the later years of their lives, Lilian was unfortunately diagnosed with lung cancer. After much deliberation between her, Fred and their four boys, she decided to try the chemotherapy option her oncologist had suggested. She did receive chemotherapy which seemed to help eradicate the cancer, and the family were all delighted. However, over time, the cancer came back with a vengeance. The option to try chemotherapy was not on the table anymore, as Lilian really didn’t feel like she had much quality of life feeling sick, fatigued and nauseas most hours of the day. Lilian asked her doctor for one final request – to be comfortable again. Fred was devastated to learn that Lilian wasn’t going to try to do the chemotherapy again, he felt like he might really lose his best friend this time. It was not very long afterwards, Lilian became so ill that she just stayed in a slumber all day. She wasn’t really able to say her goodbyes to her family and friends. They came to visit her, but the comfort care medications she was getting around the clock were keeping her heavily sedated. Fred would hold her hand, and secretly prayed that God would wake her up and make her healthy again. In the days that followed, Lilian remained sedated, and Fred stayed close by. It was in the early morning before daylight when Lilian passed. She opened her eyes wide one last time, took in all that she could see and hear, and took her last breath. Fred watched her in those final moments, and held her close. Once the funeral  home took Lilian away, Fred was left staring at any empty cot. His whole life, his wife of 45 years was no longer in his life. This was hard for Fred to accept, and just wanted to be alone. He didn’t engage with his boys, family or friends. They were all worried about him, but Fred just wanted to be left alone. Not knowing any better, the family respected his wishes. Fred spent most of his day after that in bed, he stopped showering, and forgot to eat. Family would drop food off, and a lot of it would just go to waste. He stopped answering his phone, and would pretend to not hear the doorbell. Fred was hurting after the loss of his wife, and he had no idea how to cope with this loss.

Luckily for Fred, his niece who was a nurse recognized his unhealthy grieving response, and was able to initiate some steps to get Fred the help he needed.

As we all get older, it will become fairly apparent that those closest to us will slowly start to depart this Earth. Many of us do not know what to truly expect or how to respond when a loved one passes away. It can bring out a range of emotions that can sometimes leave us worse off. In these instances, it is essential that we have access to resources that we can turn to when our lives start to look dull and bleak.

Here are some suggestions as to how to help someone cope with the loss of a loved one:

1.      Talk with the griever about how they are feeling

Initially family should give the griever time and space to process the grief. Family should create a safe space for the griever to be able to express how they are feeling. They may feel a whole range of emotions, from anger, sadness, confusion, disbelief and so on. Its important to realize that each person will have their unique feelings regarding the death and may need to process the loss uniquely. Check in daily with them to see how they are feeling day to day. Talk openly and honestly with the grieving person and offer professional counselling help as needed, as these people are trained in how to allow the griever to process their deep emotional pain.

2.      Maintain independence, but offer help as needed

Sometimes the griever may not know how to do certain task such as cooking or laundry  as the deceased may have had that primary role. In these, situations it is a good idea to take inventory of what the griever needs assistance with and offer help in that area so that neglect does not occur. As time goes on, it may be a nice suggestion to have the griever learn how to do some of these things afterwards, or take a class to learn it. You want to maintain as much independence as needed without overstepping boundaries or making them feel not needed.

3.      Be present

Sometimes the griever may say they need to be alone, but always make sure they are aware that you are available. Tell them that they may not want to talk, but that you can still be near them at this time. Being a silent physical presence can offer comfort and healing too. Sometimes you may not have the words to say at the time of a death and it is important to know that it is okay. Your physical presence has a lot of healing powers towards the griever as well.

4.      Sharing stories together about the deceased

There is a lot of beauty and healing that can occur in remembering the loved one and speaking about their character.  Take time with loved ones to share some stories of the past and remember the lost loved one. There may have been funny quirks that they had, loving things they would do, community impact they may have had, etc.

5.      Remember to take care of yourself

Practice everyday to take care of yourself, no matter how small the act is. It is important to build these small habits in order to regain a sense of time and space. Some of the recommended self care actions include – getting out in nature, walking outdoors, meditation, eat healthy good nourishing foods, hydrate throughout the day, sleep restfully, do things that make you happy like playing with your pet, reading a good book, listening to calming music, enjoying a hobby.

Grief is a unique experience for everyone. It’s important to know that you are allowed to grieve and ask for help when it gets too much to deal with on your own. Remember to give yourself compassion, time and love while you go through this transition in your life.